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  • Gary Malone, LMFT

Marriage Isn't Hard

Marriage isn’t hard. I said it and I’m not taking it back.

I think we only say ‘marriage is hard’ because it’s easier to blame marriage instead of acknowledging our ability to behave in ways that are inconsistent with our partner receiving our best self. What’s easier to say out loud, “Marriage is hard” or “I can be selfish at times”?

We can be selfish and we can also be demanding, criticizing, reactive, inconsiderate, inflexible, defensive, pushy, impatient, jealous, judgmental, lazy, withdrawn, manipulative, uncommunicative, ungrateful, etc. because we’re human.

That’s worth repeating. We are human. Which means we’re not perfect. Some of you might be closer than others, but you’re still going to fall short at times. That’s why ‘marriage’ isn’t hard…we’re just humans and sometimes discord will arise when two imperfect people are trying to make a partnership run smoothly.

When we approach our relationships with less ego and more acceptance of our humanity it’ll be easier to acknowledge these imperfections when they’re present. No need for us to live in the shame of our imperfections because shame is not a good motivator (perhaps more about this in another post). We’re just humans…trying to figure it out. So, when we mess up let’s start with giving ourself some grace.

Then, with your partner acknowledge the characteristic you displayed that wasn’t in-line with your relationship values, apologize, express your heart toward them, and then hug it out (or high-five, make love, watch an episode of The Office…whatever you do to reconnect).

Let’s stop using ‘marriage’ as the scapegoat for our imperfections and take ownership of our humanity. You’ll find a lot of freedom in doing so.

And let’s stop saying “marriage is hard” because marriage is a gift, marriage is beautiful, marriage is sacred, marriage is fun, marriage is special, marriage is fantastic, marriage is meaningful, marriage is….

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